journeytostand

My journey to stand up for myself in life


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Putting words into action

In the big picture, so much doesn’t matter. The earthly things that cause us pain and anguish are only for a short time… If you think about eternity and the length that it is then you begin to realize that our goals would be different. It is important to have your life here be honest and always learning and bills paid on time ect. But the relationships we build beginning with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are so important. Important in the realization that as we build them, they must bring us joy and happiness. If you have a family member or friend that treats you bad and doesn’t have your best interest in mind, then that is not who you need to have in your life. My mother who has been in my life for 61 years never had my interest in mind, only hers. So what do you do? Well what I have come to understand is that Heavenly Father only wants what is good for me so in my relationships they also should want what is good for me. It also works that way in that I should only want what’s good for them. That is Christ like love. It is hard to put into effect because we are human beings who have selfish thoughts and actions. I have always anguished over the fact that for my mother, it was always about her. It was always my fault that things weren’t right. It was always someone else who made her do the things she did. She never took responsibility for her actions. So how does anyone have a relationship with her? They don’t but as a family member I was caught up in the should do’s. I was under the influence of her demands and needs. I didn’t know I was under no obligation to do anything for her unless I wanted to. I felt trapped because she told me that if I bucked her or didn’t help take care of her then she would be gone out of my life. Up unto 6 months ago, I couldn’t live without her. Then in one moment I knew I could. That relationship bent my views on relationships and how they should be. This relationship took my free agency to pick my friends and family. To be in control of my choices. I didn’t know I had a choice. You would think that I should know that earlier but I did not. It never entered my mind I could say no. I could say no to any relationship I had. They could say no to me also and not have me in their lives. So now I have to figure out the relationships in my life and ask myself “Does this relationship work both ways. Do I have their best interest in mind and do they have my best interest in mind.” It doesn’t mean I just chuck all these people but it does mean I need to figure out what I believe and who in my life is important for the right reasons. It means living what I believe. It means trying to change myself in order to have good healthy relationships. It means putting the earthly things in the right perspective and the eternal things in the proper order. It means understanding that my life here on earth is a learning and testing place. A place to try and learn the things we already knew on the other side but now because of the veil that separates us from God, we must relearn or rediscover and work our way back to Heaven. We will have obstacles thrown at us at every turn and as we progress we will learn to turn to Heavenly Father more and more and build our relationships in the right way. We have a road map if we will only use them. The scriptures will bring us closer to everyone in our lives but also help us weed out the people in our lives that haven’t got our best interest in mind. Satan has his grip on this earth right now and he is trying to destroy our families and our lives. God is in control of my life and everyone else’s and if we listen and learn we will understand and make our way back to him. He is in control of my relationship with my mother and he will guide us either here or the other side in whether we will remain in a relationship. I pray that we will remain a family but only God know when or if.


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Learning

I am starting this knowing that God is in charge and in control. I am starting this knowing that no matter what my response to bad news in the end, God has it. So now I must make some decisions on how to handle some issues that have come up for me. I have told you about the things that have happened to me as I have grown up and the lessons I am learning along the way as I still stand and am quiet with my mother. All the issues we have gone through and the guilt I am still feeling because my nature is to want to help when people need help. Now my mother is really ill. Not just pain from arthritis or aftermath of another surgery but really ill. My instinct is to run and help but my gut understands I can’t do that. My whole being wants to go apologize even though I had to do what I did to survive and stay in her life for as long as she may have but I know I can’t. God has it under control. He has taken care of her these last 4 months without me and he will continue to take care of her. I have offered to help but it was declined for now. So that is all I can do. Unfortunately my processing skills haven’t caught up and so inside I feel panic and fear. How much time do I have before she is gone? How long do I go without talking to her? Will I ever get what I need from her? I know I won’t but boy do I wish it were different.

The one thing I know more than anything is that God has it.

It took a while for me to get there but even though I know that, there is a part of me that wishes things were different and that I didn’t have to wonder what it might have been like to have a loving mother.
So now a new chapter begins. To be an outsider to my mother’s illness. I have felt like an outsider for 4 months but this is different. When I feel this way is the time that I know that God has her. She has lived for almost 82 years and he has kept her safe. He has a plan for her. No matter what she has done or how she has treated people, it is part of his plan. So my not talking to her must also be in his plan. Is it not incredible how God has worked everyone’s life, intersecting each other’s lives and still having a plan for everyone’s life? It is beyond my comprehension that he can keep all that straight but I know he does. In all the learning I have done in the last 4 months the one thing I have done is continue to follow God’s still small voice. He has told me to stand and be quiet. So until I am asked to help, I will stand and be quiet and be the outsider in this and know God is in control and he will take care of her or take her home. Sad but never the less TRUE


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Learning lessons from other’s adversity

This is for God, to thank him for all the wonderful things in my life. To thank him for the struggles I have because they strengthen me and keep me thankful. I have been following the story of Ben Saurer who died a few days ago from a brain tumor. I have followed his journey to Heaven and his parent’s journey as they watched their young 5 year old die in a matter of 5 months and the journey of Ben’s twin brother Jack. They have all gone through so much and yet they love Heavenly Father and understand his plan for them. They praise him even in such horror. It has helped me realize that even though I have struggled with this separation from my mother and have cried over it and been angry over it, I still need to trust God in the journey. I still need to understand that this journey is a process and this journey is a way for God to help me be strong and happy. My life has been one of pain and being under attack almost every day of my life. So now that I am no longer in that situation, I can see that God IS in control and I was supposed to go through this. I have become who I am today because of this struggle. I have more understanding of child abuse and I can understand what people are talking about when they talk about the terror they feel even if the abuse stopped years ago. Mine went on and I am now out from under it. The terror has subsided and I am thinking straighter. I can understand now why I couldn’t get away from it. I was conditioned to be too afraid to stop it. So finally I got brave and put an end to this abuse and I choose with God’s help to stay out of the situation. I am following Heavenly Father’s lead and it is stand and be quiet. What does that mean? For me it means to not respond at all or as little as possible to anything to do with my mother. I don’t know for how long but until I at least set up boundaries for myself, it will not happen. It is very unusual for me to completely follow God’s command but it is a strong one and it needs to be upheld. As I read Ben’s mom writing about their journey, I realize that even though all of this is minor compared to losing a child, it is just as important to my life, and to completely trust God as she does is a strong lesson for me and it is important to give my thanks to my father in Heaven for my family as they stick by me in this journey. I am so thankful for them because they believe in me and they give me strength to keep trying to live this journey. To Ben’s family: I am sorry for your lose and I am sorry for the pain you feel for losing your little boy but I am thankful for your faithfulness and the lessons you are teaching all of us. Thank you for reminding us that Heavenly Father lives and he has a plan for all of us and if we listen and truly follow him, we will happy, even in the face of sorrow or adversity.


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Let it go

Snow goes wide on the mountain tonight
not a footprint to receive,
A Kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the Queen.
The wind is howling like this whirling storm inside,
couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see,
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know!

Let it go Let it go
can’t hold back anymore
Let it go Let it go
turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold doesn’t bother me anyway.

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small,
and the fear that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all.
It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and make new,
No line, no rope, no rules for me, I am free.

Let it go Let it go
I am one with the wind an sky.
Let it go Let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries thru the air into the ground,
My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all around
and one thought crystalizes like a mighty blast
I’m never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go Let it go
when a rise like a break of dawn,
Let it go Let it go
that perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me any way.

This the song Let it go from the movie Frozen and the words of it have helped me through this whole situation with my mother. I have been that good little girl who never complained about anything because if you did, you were hurt. So I have lived my life trying to be a good girl so my mom would approve of me. i have spent 61 years being that good girl and I am done doing that. As time has gone on now without any contact with my mother , I am feeling much more calm and free. I didn’t know that I was not planning or living my life with my husband and family because everytime I did, my mother would call and need something and as the good little girl I ran to help. It was expected of me and so I did. I can’t begin to explain why I let that happen except that I guess I was conditioned because if I didn’t do what I was told, I was hurt. This song helped me see that I didn’t have to be that little girl anymore and that I could declare myself free. That day when I told my mother she would never abuse me again was my statement of freedom and I honestly can say let the storm rage on because I had the strength to do it. I am no ones slave and I will not be ever again. It is someone elses turn. Surprisingly I love my mother and wish her no ill will but I will never do her bidding again. Let her live her life and hopefully on the other side she will see how wrong she was. In this life she doesn’t see it. It has been a rocky road and I know I still have more to go through but I am free to do as I wish and I intend to plan a life with my wonderful husband and enjoy it.


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Today is a sad day for me. I am sad for the years that were lost trying to make am impression on my mother. Trying to get her to realize I wasn’t the bad person she always told me I was. Sad because despite everything, I love her and miss her. I miss the routine even though it was killing me. Sad because I don’t know who to talk to about all these churning emotions. Sad because I feel like I want to cry all the time. I have been going to a painting class and talking to my friend about the feelings and it does help. She tells me I can never go back to having my mother in my life and that I will feel like crying (and I need to cry at those times she says), I will feel like screaming and have times of quiet and a need to look inside and see the real Karen. I will have times of feeling fine. I have had many years of abuse to work through. Some people may not believe what I have endured but I know and my mother knows. I know it is time to move forward and go on and live a happy life but there will still be moments of sadness and anger and even understanding before I get to true happiness. I have a wonderful life with a great husband and children and I am very aware that I must work through all this in order to keep this great life. I needed to stop the source of abuse and stress and now I need to work through the emotions that have built up over the years, the sense of unworthiness, and the sense that if the person that is supposed to love you (your own mother) doesn’t, how do you love yourself or except that other people love you and also the feeling of always being wrong. These are hard emotions to get through and no matter how many times you are told that you are loved or needed, in your mind is a little voice that says they can’t really feel that because the lesson you learned as a child was that you are unlovable. I have come far over the years to stop this little voice and except love from my husband and children and a few close friends but when your mother continues to make you feel bad day after day, it wears you down because you are always battling the little voice for your sanity. So today I feel sad for all those days of struggle and I feel sad because I miss my mother and it hurts to not see her or talk to her. Maybe someday if she lives long enough, we will come back together. Only God knows what the future holds and I stand here feeling the emotions and keeping God close as I stand and stay quiet to her.


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moving on

As time goes on I am finding that life throws things at you but for the first time in my life I am feeling excited about life. The stress seems to be letting up some. It has always been that everyone depended on me no matter how I felt. Karen was the dependable one. I could try to plan things but it felt like every time I did, someone needed something from me. Now I can continue to go over and over all the things I feel but how is that helping me. I love my mother no matter what happened or what she asked of me, I will always know that she did the best she could with what she had available to her. I miss her and I know she gave me good lessons in her own way. I don’t like how she did it but I learned good things from her. Manners and loyalty. Many other things as well. So now I have to decide if the way she treated me is going to negate the life I have left. Leaving the source of abuse is a good thing. At first I couldn’t say that. I was devastated and thought I would never feel good again. Now time has passed and I see some light. The source of stress has let up and I can breathe again. I can see that the possibilities are open to me. I wonder if this is what people feel after they lose a loved one that they helped take care of. I still have guilt because I really wish I could be available for my mother and aunt. I really wish I could be the best daughter and just suck it up and help. I can’t… I am used up and I can’t. So now as I move forward I need to temper my guilt because to do what I wish would lead me to a more total burnout. So I have started to look forward and not back. What will I be when I grow up. What kind of trouble can I get myself in to. Will I begin to smile again?? Will I find the Joy that Heavenly Father has told me to find for myself. I am new at all this but today I feel like maybe I can do this.


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As time goes on I am finding that life throws things at you but for the first time in my life I am feeling excited about life. The stress seems to be letting up some. It has always been that everyone depended on me no matter how I felt. Karen was the dependable one. I could try to plan things but it felt like every time I did, someone needed something from me. Now I can continue to go over and over all the things I feel but how is that helping me. I love my mother no matter what happened or what she asked of me, I will always know that she did the best she could with what she had available to her. I miss her and I know she gave me good lessons in her own way. I don’t like how she did it but I learned good things from her. Manners and loyalty. Many other things as well. So now I have to decide if the way she treated me is going to negate the life I have left. Leaving the source of abuse is a good thing. At first I couldn’t say that. I was devastated and thought I would never feel good again. Now time has passed and I see some light. The source of stress has let up and I can breathe again. I can see that the possibilities are open to me. I wonder if this is what people feel after they lose a loved one that they helped take care of. I still have guilt because I really wish I could be available for my mother and aunt. I really wish I could be the best daughter and just suck it up and help. I can’t… I am used up and I can’t. So now as I move forward I need to temper my guilt because to do what I wish would lead me to a more total burnout. So I have started to look forward and not back. What will I be when I grow up. What kind of trouble can I get myself in to. Will I begin to smile again?? Will I find the Joy that Heavenly Father has told me to find for myself. I am new at all this but today I feel like maybe I can do this